the tortuga papers

I'm still okay.  I'm just worried that sometime very soon I'm not going to be okay.  But there's a very good chance that is not going to happen.  Very, very good.  I'm just being overly cautious.   And PMSy.

Another thing which I forgot to cram into my post yesterday is that I'm sort of disappointed in myself because of my indecisiveness.  Which is weird, because I take 1/2 hour to pick a salad dressing, so it's not like this should be any big surprise to myself.   I can do anything I want!  I just can't figure out what that is!

All of my problems are good problems to have.  Goddamn, when that other shoe drops it's going to suck.

I've got my shit together.  Some might even say that I've got it going on. 

I mean, professionally I'm doing really well.  If I keep on the path that I'm on, I have no doubt that I'll be able to almost write my own ticket in a couple years.  I just got asked to do another conference presentation and I recently received a nice mention in a national trade magazine. I also seem to be liked - and not just liked, but well liked - by co-workers, other colleagues at my university and by people in my profession.  Not only am I good at it, but I also really like my job.

Same thing can be said for me personally.  Silent Bob issues aside, I'm healthier mentally and physically than I have been in years.  I live in a great apartment.  I live well below my means, but I don't really want for anything. (read: I have a savings account) I'm creating a life for myself in my town, and don't run home nearly as often. I take actual adult-type vacations. (Shit, y'all, I survived California!  That state used to scare the crap out of me!)  Basically, I am able to act instead of react.  Things are good.

So why is it, right on the eve of my first big conference presentation, the first trip where I check out a potential new area of the country to live (not to mention possibly get the Silent Bob situation sorted) and that I'm at the point where I'm consciously noticing how good my life has become, does the following occur?

- certain individuals from high school find me via Facebook
- another certain individual from high school is appointed to be my nephew's baseball coach
- my dad's health goes to Hell in a hand basket and the thought of moving more than a few hours drive away makes me want to cry
- In the past two months or so I've noticed that there's something wrong mentally/emotionally/cognitively with my mother.  It may just be normal aging but I don't know and I'm not sure  how to even broach the subject.
- I have to go to Barnyard Jenny's baby shower and see a whole bunch of hometown folks who have known me literally since I was a sparkle in my mother's eye.
- Tiger once again takes an unusual interest in my (non-existent) love life
- the morning that Silent Bob was coming up from L.A., I ended up at the Mission Dolores, which is the church that the conquistadors set up when they were coming up through California.  Now y'all know my mixed history with the church, right? (Short version: almost became a nun, got really mad at God, declared war, walked away from it all - I didn't take any vows or anything, but I definitely felt (feel?) the vocation.)  So, anyway, I haven't really willingly gone into a church in a long time, except for weddings and the occasional vacation sightseeing.  Well, basically I had to wait for Silent Bob to call so I would know when to catch the BART and meet him in Milbrae, and I was in the Mission District which is kinda sketchy, and I figured Mission Dolores would be a quiet, safe place to wait close to BART stations with decent bathrooms.   So, I'm sitting there, and I just felt really peaceful.  Like, the kind of peace I hadn't felt in a church since the nun days and I found myself starting to think about the idea of becoming a nun again.  Which really FUCKED WITH MY HEAD vis a vis Silent Bob, as one might imagine.

I just feel like I'm getting the crap kicked out me by synchronicity. See, I used to be a really angry, nihilistic and self-destructive individual.   Usually in conjunction with many of the people and issues named above.  Why are they coming back now?  Is it because I'm finally able to deal with it all like a rational adult?  Or is it because just when I get my shit together, the Universe conspires to PULL ME BACK INTO THE QUAGMIRE OF SUCK?!

I just...don't know right now.  

Happiness is discovering that a shirt you bought two weeks ago perfectly matches a skirt you bought 3 years ago.

I know this is a stupid thing to bitch about, but I've lost enough weight now (through no planned doing on my part - I just walk to work now and it's been slowing coming off) that none of my clothes fit right anymore. And by "not fit right", I mean my pants are literally falling off of me.  And, ironically, since all of my clothes are now pretty much shapeless bags, I feel almost worse about myself than I did 25 pounds ago.  Getting dressed in the morning sucks because I feel like I have nothing to wear!

Oh well. Maybe I'll take my Uncle Sam check and buy some new summer clothes.

I wish I knew who created this so I could give them proper credit.

Gayagenda

It also makes me sad to note that there are people out there who probably think this is what would actually happen if non-heterosexuals were allowed to be out in the military.

I've just spent the past two hours uploading my San Francisico pics to my flickr.  It will probably be a day or two before I get titles and tags on them.  Tomorrow or the next day I also want to write up something about my trip.

Silent Bob was basically a one-man visitors and convention bureau and heavily lobbied for me to move to California.  Which I don't think I can.  But, my God, will you look at the place?  It's so unbelievably beautiful and so hard to resist.

Wine country

How awesome is the new design of British coins?  Answer: very awesome

San Francisco was nice.  The Monterrey Bay coast is absurdly pretty.  Silent Bob snores.

Other than that, I don't really want to talk about it.

Hey non-voxer blog friends -

Just as an FYI, I have been utilizing the neighborhood lock more and more lately, especially has I will be talking about work stuff more and don't feel the need to put ALL my bidness on teh intarnets.  So you'll need to log in to your vox account to read some stuff.